Home. Health. Purpose. Community.
Four simple words, should be simple to achieve right? But if it were simple we would all have it. These four words are a good barometer for your recovery. Almost every new recoveree I work with that is struggling in early recovery is missing one to all four of these pillars of recovery. Conversely, those with a healthy recovery nearly always have all four.
Home. This is more than a place that we live. This is a home that provides security, stability and is supportive to recovery. A person leaving treatment to live on someone’s coach does not have security or stability. A married person going to a secure and stable home but an un-supportive spouse does not have support. To truly have a solid home in your recovery you have a place that you feel secure, don’t have to fear of losing it and feel supportive while there. This is not always easy and is often overlooked but it is essential to recovery. When I was in treatment in 2005 I was in an awful marriage. My wife was emotionally and verbally abusive. She definitely wanted me sober, but she also wanted me to be eternally miserable for damages I caused… I don’t for a minute deny I caused damages but amends cannot be made when we couldn’t even talk. She refused to go to family counseling as this was all my problem, she refused even to talk with my counselor. As I was preparing to get discharged my counselor said something to me that I will never forget. He said “Darren, there is a good chance you will have to decide whether you want to stay sober or stay married”. I knew he could be right but also thought I could do both. I was wrong, and by trying to do both I did neither. My home was so miserable I couldn’t breathe. When I attempted to go to support meetings I was told I had to do those on my own time (after our daughter was a sleep)… I would get daily reminders of the amends I owed her (even though I tried; she just didn’t accept them)… Our marriage got much worse, We separated and started the divorce process and I resumed drinking and the devastation. Home. It is more than a place.
Health. I neglected my health for years in active addiction and struggled in early recovery with mental health issues. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was treated with an anti-depressant for my depression and a benzodiazepine for my panic attacks. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had been using benzos for years as crutch and it often led me back to alcohol. When I was first prescribed a benzo I took it as prescribed; for severe anxiety and/or panic attacks… However, as time went by even the slightest bit of anxiety warranted a pill and eventually if I even predicted I may have anxiety I would take a pill… To me benzos are very dangerous for a recovery alcoholic. I know anxiety is awful and panic attacks need to be controlled but there are other ways… For me, I learned through therapy to accept that I was not going to die during a panic attack and anxiety (although being paralyzing at times) would pass. It didn’t happen overnight, but I gradually learned ways to survive these episodes with benzos. Today my physical, mental and emotional health is the best it has ever been. You don’t have to be in perfect health but as long as you are making healthy choices that support your wellbeing you are making progress.
Purpose. We all need purpose. I have purpose in my life now but in active addiction like many my purpose was to get alcohol and consume it without getting caught. In early recovery this is so important! Without purpose life gets boring really quick. So what is purpose? Purpose is having meaningful enjoyable activities in life, a satisfying job, school, volunteering, hobbies, etc. One of the most common complaints I hear from people new to recovery and who are struggling is that it is boring… This is so common and normal. Quite often when we were using all of our “fun” activities involved our use. In early recovery we avoid those situations because we know what it will lead to or they are no longer fun. Sometimes we think things were fun but in reality we confuse fun with getting drunk… I soon realized in my early recovery that recovery was not boring; I was! The truth was I expected to get excitement by doing nothing. I had to get out and find purpose, find things I enjoy. For me, the first thing I found was running. I was very good at it, but it was enjoyable and it was healthy. Then I got back into volunteering and coaching youth sports. Before I realized it, I was working in a career I love and had so many hobbies and interests that I don’t have time to even know what boredom could mean.
Community. Who is your community? Do you have one? When in active use my community was who ever would listen to me at the bar. When I first tried to get sober (but struggled to stay that way) I had no community. I didn’t have the alcohol but I didn’t go to support meetings and I didn’t have anyone to connect with. I was alone and spiritually bankrupt. For me, community is more than going to meetings; its the fellowship that happens from going to those meetings… My community is diverse. I have my recovery community, my fitness community, my sports (coaching community) and my local school/parent community. I know that I always have networks that offer me the support and friendship I need to thrive in recovery.
Building these four pillars for lasting recovery doesn’t happen overnight but if you keep improving your health and wellness, live a self-directed life, while striving to reach your full potential you will get there.
We Do Recover 