Category: alcohol

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The 12 Ways of Christmas in Recovery

The Holidays can be a wonderful and joyous time of the year, but it can also be stressful. For many in early recovery the Holidays can jeopardize their recovery… Here are some tips I have used throughout my recovery to ensure my recovery comes first during the Holidays. 

1. Keep working your program of recovery (Meetings, fitness, meditation, etc). REMEMBER!!! We are STILL powerless over our addiction – Too many people let this slip from their mind when they are suddenly presented with a drinking opportunity during the Holidays. 

2. You still can’t control it… We often hear voices that tell us it would be different this time. 

3. One is too many, 100 is not enough. Rarely do we have one drink and stop. Don’t listen to the inner addict. 

4. You don’t deserve it… We tell ourselves this after periods of sobriety, and quite often when we are with friends and family.. You DESERVE serenity and that is the opposite of what comes with addiction.

5. You DO NOT need to go to any party or place you feel vulnerable – Your recovery is way too important to risk it by being somewhere you are vulnerable.

6. You DO NOT have to justify your recovery – Some like to talk about their recovery, but you don’t have to, and you don’t have to feel the need to justify it.

7.  Remember you don’t have to go anywhere just to please someone else – If a friend or relative gets upset because you avoid a party they will get over it… YOU may never get over a relapse

8. Have Sober Strategies in Place – Develop a plan to protect your sobriety ahead of any holiday event and activity that could potentially trigger a relapse. 

9.  Practice your conscious contact with your higher power – Listen to God, you will find the guidance if you listen.

10. Be Mindful of What You’re Drinking—and Thinking – At social gatherings, it might be helpful to always have a beverage in hand so people aren’t constantly offering you a drink. 

11. Avoid Known Risks – If Cousin Eddie will insist that you have “one” drink, stay away from him. If the office Holiday party is really all about drinking, make a brief appearance or don’t attend (remember rules 1-8). 

12. Practice and schedule Self-care – meditation, exercise and rest can do wonders for your well-being. 

Happy Holidays in #Recovery

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How Does Addiction Happen?

Do you ever wonder why some people become addicted to substances and others don’t? Is it truly a disease? Is it genetic? Is it reprehensible? Is it preventable? Addiction is defined as a disease by the American Medical Association. Addiction, clinically referred to as a substance use disorder, is a complex disease of the brain and body that involves compulsive use of one or more substances despite serious health and social consequences. Addiction disrupts regions of the brain that are responsible for reward, motivation, learning, judgment and memory[1]. Genetic risk factors account for about half of the likelihood that an individual will develop addiction[2]. Prevention is a little more complex. Addiction is caused by a combination of behavioral, psychological, environmental, biological factors as well as genetics. However, there are many prevention interventions that can have a great result in lowering the rates of addiction. For instance, according to the NIAAA those that have their first drink at the ages of 12-14 are 4 times more likely to develop alcohol dependence and 67% higher chance of using illegal drugs[3]. So preventing adolescents from access to alcohol during this age would greatly reduce the chance for addiction in the future.

Addiction doesn’t happen with one use. It has stages. It starts with experimentation. This is when the person has their first drink of alcohol. It all starts with the first use. Addiction has a lot of stigma associated with it. Most people in our society view it as character weakness or moral flaw as if we alcoholics and addicts planned for addiction. The especially troubling part of this is the growing acceptance that experimentation and adolescent use is normal and there is nothing we can do about it. Part of the previous sentence is true; experimentation is a normal part of life for many and for some of those it is the start of a deadly disease. As was discussed previously the age of the onset of first use is highly indicative of future problems. For me, my first taste of alcohol was at age FIVE! Granted it was only a sip of a beer but it was a sip that was given by permission from my father. Before anyone wonders what kind of man my father was please remember this was the 70’s; my father would drink Pabst Blue Ribbon (I even remember the brand) at horseshoe tournaments. It was a small tournament in an isolated northern Minnesota community where everyone knew everyone. When he needed a beer he would have me or my brother go in and buy him a beer. The bartender knew it was for our father so he gave it to us and we delivered. As a “reward” we got to have the first drink! I remember the excitement of this. I am not sure if it was the anticipation of the drink or being rewarded for doing something for Dad, but nevertheless I still remember as I’m writing this how it felt to get my reward. What effect does this have on a five year old’s brain? Not just the development and neurochemistry but what was I being taught? Alcohol is acceptable? It’s ok to drink for adults and even for little kids on occasion and it is a reward? Around this time my father quit drinking and never resumed during his life. However, my quest for alcohol didn’t cease in fact it became a quest. At large family gatherings adults would put their beer in a large outdoor washtub with ice to keep them cold. My cousins and I would sneak beer from this tub and run off somewhere private to share the beverage. There was no intoxication but the thrills I received associated with beer only intensified. In the sixth grade my experimentation finally included intoxication. My friend’s birthday party was held at his home where there was large quantities of alcohol. The alcohol was not given to us, but it was not locked up either (or really supervised for that matter). We would go to the beer fridge (which also had the pop) and pretend to get a pop and really grab a couple of beers. We would place them in our crotch between our legs and slowly and carefully walk to his bedroom to deposit our loot in a secure hiding place and return to the basement to make another withdrawal. We did this several times until we had enough for consumption. That night we drank our warm Blatz beers and had our first buzz. I was hooked immediately. It was as if a light bulb went off above my head alerting me to my new found euphoria. I didn’t feel lonely, empty, anxious or timid anymore. I felt great! I wanted to feel this intoxication for the rest of my life!

Is experimenting with alcohol reprehensible? Was I immoral for trying alcohol? Hardly! Remember, addiction is caused by a combination of behavioral, psychological, environmental, biological factors as well as genetics… I was hanging out with good kids with great parents. But we were kids that were inspired by older kids in our community that drank. And the community itself was somewhat accepting of kids drinking. People felt it was just a little beer; a rite of passage… Alcohol was available (to steal) and we did… Those social and environmental factors paved the way for my first drink…

I also struggled with anxiety. I felt empty inside and I was always worried. Worried about acceptance, about friendships, family, etc.. Of course at the age I didn’t know I had anxiety, my parents didn’t know but it raged from with and that first numbing buzz of alcohol soothed the anxiety and I took notice. Those with untreated anxiety disorders that drink alcohol are three times more likely to develop alcohol dependence compared to those without anxiety disorders[4].

My genetics then did the rest… Although many people have those same social and environmental factors they may not have had the same pleasure and euphoria that I did due to their genetics…My genetic wiring produces massive euphoria and pleasure from alcohol and or drugs… Some people may wake up after drinking really sick, vomit, get in trouble or maybe it didn’t have desirable effects from their first use and say never again! Others like me would say that wasn’t so bad, and the high was AMAZING…. In addition, it quieted my worrisome mind and alleviated the anxiety. That is how genetics is involved in addiction… However, just because a person is born with those genetics addiction can still be prevented if we delay the onset of that first experience….  It was my choice to drink that first drink. The drink that started everything. After that first drink I was ready to continue to the next stage; Regular Use/Social Use. (Blog coming soon).

Prevention Tips:

As mentioned earlier, experimentation will happen, but if we can delay the onset of first use we can greatly lower the addiction rates. If you noticed in my experience ALL of the alcohol use was provided by an adult. At first, willingly, then through theft, but it was still accessible. What would have happened if I wasn’t introduced alcohol at such a young age and alcohol was not available? I am not blaming my parents or my friend’s parents for my addiction. My parents THOUGHT they were keeping me safe from drugs and alcohol because they NEVER had alcohol in our home. However, my best friend’s dad always had alcohol and my friend and I were nearly inseparable. Again, I am not blaming his father; he probably never thought we would steal his alcohol or maybe he thought he would notice if it was missing… Therefore, even if you have an alcohol free house or secure your alcohol do you know what is accessible to your kids at their friend’s house? Talk to their parents. Together we can delay the onset of first use and greatly reduce the addiction rates. I am living proof that recovery works but as we know; unfortunately not everyone gets a chance to recovery. Some die or are permanently incarcerated due to their addiction. For them their only chance was to not use in the first place. Prevention works!

Please subscribe to my blog for updates and to read the second of four parts in this blog on the stages of addiction.

[1] Partnership to End Addiction https://drugfree.org/article/is-addiction-a-disease/

[2] Partnership to End Addiction https://drugfree.org/article/is-addiction-a-disease/

[3] https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/age-drinking-onset-predicts-future-alcohol-abuse-and-dependence

[4] Smith JP, Randall CL. Anxiety and alcohol use disorders: Comorbidity and treatment considerations. Alcohol Res. 2012;34(4):414-431.

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Relapse Prevention

Lately I have been asked a lot of questions on how to prevent relapse. A lot of recoverees in treatment centers talk about treatment as a vicious cycle and it can be! At the State level and Nationally we are pouring billions into treatment. Creating effective, evidenced-based treatment, better access, better service, etc but are we forgetting the most important part? Scientists and medical professionals classify addiction as a chronic disease NOT ACUTE. This means we need to stop viewing treatment as a one-stop fix and view it as part of the continuum of care like we would for other chronic conditions. Treatment is effective but it has never been designed to be the end and it is time we focus on the aftercare. Did you know that 80% of post-treatment relapses occur within 90 days of discharge? This is where we can make a difference! The vast majority of people that relapse during those first 90 days did not follow an aftercare plan. Treatment is great; but I think the most important thing for a successful recovery is to have a viable aftercare plan.

Recovery is a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential. To do that a person needs to home, health, purpose and community. Of course this does not happen overnight; it is something to be strived for in our recovery journeys. However in order to get to long-term recovery I believe three things are essential for early recovery.

First, get a sponsor or mentor. – Having a sponsor (or mentor) is crucial in early recovery as these people have been there and can help with resources in their area. For example, if the recoveree goes to an AA or NA meeting and comes away thinking it sucked, they can tell their sponsor these feelings and they can work out ways to try a different meeting. Often times people have a bad experience at a support group meeting and think they all will be like this and quit going. The 12 steps not your thing? get a Peer Recovery Specialist (Recovery Coach). They can help you navigate early recovery regardless of what path you want to take.

Second, have a support group meeting schedule and meeting plan – Plan AND ATTEND several meetings a week. If they feel a meeting is awful, find a different one. DO this until they have a routine of weekly meetings that they enjoy. Go early and stay late (MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART). Often times people think it’s the AA meetings that keep people sober, but it is actually the fellowships (friendships) that develop from going to these meetings. And this happens when they finds others that they relate to at meetings (spiritual connection) and then go to coffee with them after, or gets a pizza or just hangs out with them. When your friends are people in recovery, recovery is no longer an effort, but it is your life.

Third, have a healthy hobby or activity scheduled daily/weekly – Find a healthy hobby or activity!!! This is way to often forgotten. We alcoholics and addicts often have to stop doing what we used to do for fun because that is when/where we used drugs and alcohol. Then when we enter recovery for some reason we think we can exist without filling that giant void of having purpose in life… This emptiness (which is often what started us on drugs and alcohol) is very dangerous and often times is the reason people return to use. Support meetings (A.A., N.A.) often can fill that emptiness for people, but some still find themselves bored or without purpose and they start to think recovery is boring, and soon they are looking for unhealthy things to fill that void… Find a healthy activity right away and try new things, exercise, yoga, walking, fishing, biking, running, painting, etc..

Finally, the good news is that RELAPSE IS NOT PART OF LONG-TERM RECOVERY… We need to distinguish that early recovery is part of the stages of change which can include periodic relapses. However, when a recoveree advances through the stages of change and into long-term recovery, relapse is not part of their recovery. As long as we practice our program of recovery in our daily affairs relapse does not exist.

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Lost.

I was as lost as I could be with no idea how I got where I was. This is not how my life was supposed to go. I had overcome so much, accomplished many things and yet I was here on the floor of my apartment, hallucinating after a night of alcohol and drug use… Where did I go wrong? When did it start?

I had my first drink and drunk at the age of 11. For me alcohol was an immediate love. I didn’t know it at the time but I was empty inside and alcohol filled that void. This was not my parents fault. Perhaps I was born with a genetic predisposition to alcohol and mental illness but I came from two of the greatest parents possible. I had a great childhood. My parents were very active in my life and I genuinely enjoyed being with them. They provided me with stable, secure and a happy household. We went on vacations, went camping, and had great family get-togethers. They bought us nice school clothes, nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I was blessed with an upbringing many kids only dream of… Then I met alcohol. Soon after my first drink I was drinking alcohol at least weekly with friends and the stages of addiction were in full gear. At first it was just a few beers, stolen from my best friend’s dad’s fridge. Then we increased the amount we drank and the frequency. We then found a “buyer” to purchase our own beer so that we could drink more without getting caught. By the time I was a sophomore I was no longer “socially drinking” I was abusing alcohol and experiencing frequent blackouts and well on my way to being chemically dependent. During my junior year my drinking climbed to embarrassing and dangerous levels with blackouts happening nearly every weekend while my tolerance was similar to a 40 year-old alcoholic. That memorial weekend in 1990 my life changed in a way that I would never recover from. My father, a firefighter collapsed and died while fighting a fire. I cannot even begin to say how devastated I was. My father meant everything to me. He was adamantly against ANY underage drinking and was unaware of my use and never knew I wouldn’t always have him in my life. I had always taken for granted that they would always be there. To say he was a pillar in our community is an understatement. He was a volunteer firefighter, a youth football, basketball and baseball coach, Cub Scout cub master, and active with many other organizations. The population of Deer River in 1990 was 907. There were over 1,000 at his funeral. I was in such deep mourning I didn’t drink for almost 6 months. However, when I returned to drinking I did so to make up for lost time. I drank every night and all weekend and had more than one ride in the back of a police car…

It is safe to say that school was not easy for me and alcohol made it harder. I was the one who always got the lowest grades, was least likely to succeed and was often the butt of many jokes by teachers and classmates in my high school. I once overheard a teacher telling a classmate of mine at a senior class meeting that someday they will come back to town and I would be pumping their gas. I believed them. I can’t blame them. I didn’t give them any reason to think otherwise. Nearing high school graduation I fully believed my classmates and teachers and didn’t have much hope for my life. Plus, I had learned that my dad had an unknown genetic heart defect and it was very likely genetic. So I quite honestly didn’t think I would live that long anyways. However, one day I decided that I was going to go to a local community college and prove everyone wrong. In college I fought two uphill battles at the same time. Being under-educated and unprepared for college and being drunk 90% of the time. College was NOT easy for me. Since I drank alcohol and neglected school throughout my junior and senior high years I was substantially behind the majority of college students. After my first year of college I had more tragedy in my life; my life long best friend and drinking buddy died. The night it happened we had a great evening of drinking planned. I had to work while Brad and Barry were going to get our alcohol for the evening. They had started drinking and were headed to town when Brad lost control of his car and went in the ditch. This would not have been a bad collision. However, Brad was not wearing his seat belt. He was thrown from his car and it landed on him. He died shortly later while being airlifted to a trauma center.
I was devastated. He and I were supposed to grow old together. We had a whole life already planned out. This also happened two years after my dad’s passing which reopened that grief. My life had changed again. I now lived scared. I went most of my young life living carefree. Now within those two years, two of the most important people in my life were removed from me.

Unlike my dad’s passing, after Brad died I drank more; substantially more. My grades in college plummeted and I was nearly kicked out permanently due to bad grades. I was at a cross roads… Then I got a DUI one evening with BAC of .37. When I woke up the next morning in detox I realized I could be dead and would be if I didn’t stop. This incident scared me straight (for a while). After I stopped drinking college became much easier. Graduation actually seemed plausible! I also met the woman I would marry and have my daughter with. We got married the summer before my senior year. We got pregnant soon after and were expecting our baby the next summer. During my senior year I was doing my student teaching when I noticed some strange palpitations in my heart. Due to my family history I went to the doctor. After many tests I learned that I had a genetic heart condition; the same heart defect that killed my father. There was some urgency, I was quickly admitted to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. The day I was supposed to receive my Bachelor’s degree from Mankato State I was on a hospital bed having surgery on my heart. I had a defibrillator implanted in my chest to help prevent the sudden cardiac death that killed my father. I was grateful for this but scared to death.

However, I did it! I received a Bachelor’s Degree! I did what most said couldn’t be done. I attained a 4 year degree in education. As hard as it was, as much as much as alcohol tried to kill me, I persevered; I accomplished a huge milestone… Then like it does so often alcohol came calling again…

After graduating college, getting married, having a daughter, buying a house and starting a career my life crumbled. It didn’t happen right away, my career was flourishing, I was a respected member of my community, served on boards and committees, coached youth sports was active with my daughter and her school. This is what I expected my life to look like; but then my marriage fell apart and I found myself going through the process of divorce. This was devastating. Not so much because of my separation from my wife (our life had become toxic) but the separation from my daughter. My daughter was my life and being away from her was the most painful thing I went through. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, was always in a state of anxiety, so I went back to what I always did when I felt empty; alcohol. A mixture of alcohol and prescription drugs (both opioids and benzodiazepines) consumed my life. I wasn’t feeling hurt, because I couldn’t feel. I was in a state of constant blackouts.

This is where I found myself on the floor of my apartment after another night of alcohol and drug use. I was trying to kill myself. I didn’t want to die, but I could not stand the pain any longer. Death seemed like it would be easier than sobriety. As many addicts and alcoholics know, in active addiction sobriety can seem utterly impossible. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, because instead of light I could only see my daughter living elsewhere. I felt empty, alone and destroyed. I lost my place in this world and felt I could not find my way home.

Then I heard it. “DARREN, this is not who you are supposed to be” This was my dad’s voice. I am as sure of it today as I was then. I have never had an encounter with a spirit previously and have not since, but I know this was his voice. I don’t know how, I am not a paranormal guy or have any concrete beliefs about the supernatural, but this happened. The interesting part is (other than conscious memories) this was the first time I heard my dad’s voice since he died. Every dream I have had with my dad since he passed away he has been silent. It’s like my brain knew he was gone.

I cried. Not from shame and not for sadness. It was a cry of surrender and acceptance of where I was and the spontaneous courage to face my demons. As low as I was, I felt serenity. The wisdom of what I need to do to change my life was there. It was there all along. I just didn’t know how to find it.

This is why the song The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert is special to me. She sings “I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing…” For me instead of a place it was a voice. The healing did not happen overnight but it started that day on the floor.

I had already been to treatment, I had learned the 12 steps I just wasn’t ready to surrender and say I cannot do this alone. Through my program of recovery I finally started to learn gratitude. In the past I never felt grateful, I always felt like a victim. I did have a lot of adversity and tragedy, but I also failed to look at the beauty in my life… I leaned how lucky I am. Many, many alcoholics and addicts don’t get a second chance. None of us are guaranteed a second chance, let alone three or four chances. I could very easily be dead or permanently incarcerated due to my use. I started to look at life with gratitude and today I am very grateful; grateful for my life, health, sobriety, and my family.

Most of my life I ignored my mental and chemical health, and even after getting help, I got complacent and neglected my therapy. This could have been fatal, but luckily I got help. I am incredibly thankful for this second chance in life. It has given me a renewed energy to share my experiences, strength and hope. I know I still have a lifelong journey in recovery but I am happy where I am in my recovery. I also know from my past that I cannot get complacent in my ways. But if I practice everything I have learned from the recovery community I will be fine. For me, recovery is a process of change where I constantly try to improve my health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach my full potential. It’s more than just meetings and/or abstaining; it’s living a life to its fullest. I am happy where I am in life and incredibly grateful for my program of recovery.

View Miranda Lambert’s The House That Built Me video here

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The 4 Pillars of Recovery

Home. Health. Purpose. Community.

Four simple words, should be simple to achieve right? But if it were simple we would all have it. These four words are a good barometer for your recovery. Almost every new recoveree I work with that is struggling in early recovery is missing one to all four of these pillars of recovery. Conversely, those with a healthy recovery nearly always have all four.

Home. This is more than a place that we live. This is a home that provides security, stability and is supportive to recovery. A person leaving treatment to live on someone’s coach does not have security or stability. A married person going to a secure and stable home but an un-supportive spouse does not have support. To truly have a solid home in your recovery you have a place that you feel secure, don’t have to fear of losing it and feel supportive while there. This is not always easy and is often overlooked but it is essential to recovery. When I was in treatment in 2005 I was in an awful marriage. My wife was emotionally and verbally abusive. She definitely wanted me sober, but she also wanted me to be eternally miserable for damages I caused… I don’t for a minute deny I caused damages but amends cannot be made when we couldn’t even talk. She refused to go to family counseling as this was all my problem, she refused even to talk with my counselor. As I was preparing to get discharged my counselor said something to me that I will never forget. He said “Darren, there is a good chance you will have to decide whether you want to stay sober or stay married”. I knew he could be right but also thought I could do both. I was wrong, and by trying to do both I did neither. My home was so miserable I couldn’t breathe. When I attempted to go to support meetings I was told I had to do those on my own time (after our daughter was a sleep)… I would get daily reminders of the amends I owed her (even though I tried; she just didn’t accept them)… Our marriage got much worse, We separated and started the divorce process and I resumed drinking and the devastation. Home. It is more than a place.

Health. I neglected my health for years in active addiction and struggled in early recovery with mental health issues. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was treated with an anti-depressant for my depression and a benzodiazepine for my panic attacks. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had been using benzos for years as crutch and it often led me back to alcohol. When I was first prescribed a benzo I took it as prescribed; for severe anxiety and/or panic attacks… However, as time went by even the slightest bit of anxiety warranted  a pill and eventually if I even predicted I may have anxiety I would take a pill… To me benzos are very dangerous for a recovery alcoholic. I know anxiety is awful and panic attacks need to be controlled but there are other ways… For me, I learned through therapy to accept that I was not going to die during a panic attack and anxiety (although being paralyzing at times) would pass. It didn’t happen overnight, but I gradually learned ways to survive these episodes with benzos. Today my physical, mental and emotional health is the best it has ever been. You don’t have to be in perfect health but as long as you are making healthy choices that support your wellbeing you are making progress.

Purpose. We all need purpose. I have purpose in my life now but in active addiction like many my purpose was to get alcohol and consume it without getting caught. In early recovery this is so important! Without purpose life gets boring really quick. So what is purpose? Purpose is having meaningful enjoyable activities in life, a satisfying job, school, volunteering, hobbies, etc. One of the most common complaints I hear from people new to recovery and who are struggling is that it is boring… This is so common and normal. Quite often when we were using all of  our “fun” activities involved our use. In early recovery we avoid those situations because we know what it will lead to or they are no longer fun. Sometimes we think things were fun but in reality we confuse fun with getting drunk… I soon realized in my early recovery that recovery was not boring; I was! The truth was I expected to get excitement by doing nothing. I had to get out and find purpose, find things I enjoy. For me, the first thing I found was running. I was very good at it, but it was enjoyable and it was healthy. Then I got back into volunteering and coaching youth sports. Before I realized it, I was working in a career I love and had so many hobbies and interests that I don’t have time to even know what boredom could mean.

Community. Who is your community? Do you have one? When in active use my community was who ever would listen to me at the bar. When I first tried to get sober (but struggled to stay that way) I had no community. I didn’t have the alcohol but I didn’t go to support meetings and I didn’t have anyone to connect with. I was alone and spiritually bankrupt. For me, community is more than going to meetings; its the fellowship that happens from going to those meetings…  My community is diverse. I have my recovery community, my fitness community, my sports (coaching community) and my local school/parent community. I know that I always have networks that offer me the support and friendship I need to thrive in recovery.

Building these four pillars for lasting recovery doesn’t happen overnight but if you keep improving your health and wellness, live a self-directed life, while striving to reach your full potential you will get there.

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